Managing My Thoughts

I've been on an interesting journey over the past year or so, or trying to be a little more mindful, a little less reactive, and really do myself the favor of going after what I want from a place of abundance rather than fear. Trying and succeeding, however, are two different things. There's some really conscious work involved here, and one thing I've discovered is that I've been really good, in the past, at getting in my own way and being extremely up my own ass. Really good at twisting myself in knots and shooting myself in the back before anyone else had a chance to. Like, no one gets to say I suck EXCEPT ME...and then you do it so long and it becomes a habit. A sick blanket of comfort, if you will. 

In the fall of 2021, while we were still pretty mired in the pandemic (though theatrically, things were starting to open up, and I had already performed in two shows in October and November, and was in the midst of the first read-through of In The Heights when a director friend of mine I’d worked with several times in the past asked me what my days were looking like in February of 2022, because she was co-directing a show at Village Theatre and needed an understudy. 

Okay, let’s back up. Village Theatre. I auditioned for them back in the early 90’s ONCE, right out of college. Village is one of the local, professional companies who pays a decent (well...for theatre) salary. I didn’t receive a call back from that at all, and never auditioned for them again until my friend contacted me. I laughed, said “Sure”, and proceeded to prepare the sides she’d sent me on a self-tape, pretty much assuming there wasn’t a snowball’s chance in hell they’d ever cast me. 

Well, they did. THEY DID. I was so physically and emotionally shocked when I received the offer email a couple weeks later, it caused a migraine for the rest of the day. And I’d like to say I enjoyed the rehearsal process once it started, but I was so far up my own ass at that point, in terms of being a blubbering pustule of impostor syndrome, who didn’t deserve to be there, I barely formed relationships with the rest of the cast. But it was the first steady paycheck of any substance I ever received for an acting job, and my first professional show, and I got to go onstage the entire final weekend up in Everett. 

Because I’d been such a pile of inferiority during that process, I made an appointment soon after, to go check out the Culinary Arts program at Seattle Central College. I was pretty close to done with theatre, and decided that if my career ended at the very cliché of the pinnacle of success, that was fine with me. 
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The universe had other ideas. Shortly after that visit to the college, another theatre scene colleague invited me to audition for a show she was directing at Book-It Rep. Once again, I laughed, and said “Sure”, thinking it wouldn’t amount to anything and I’d be able to start the culinary program in the fall. And once again, I was wrong, and got offered the role, my first full, professional role where I wasn’t an understudy. While this production was fraught with many difficulties, I actually had fun with much of it, and that was where the imposter-y thoughts about my work as an actor finally began to shift. 

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CW from Back Left: Jasmine Lomax, Quetzie Taborga, Aviona Rodriguez, Beth Pollack, Caro Wilcox & Sophia Raquel Sanchez in In The Time of the Butterflies at Book-It Rep

Also, because it was a theatre people actually went to (not in large enough numbers, unfortunately, since they closed down after that season), I ended up getting invited to a call-back for a musical shortly afterwards, which I went to and got cast...and in the middle of performances for that piece, was invited to call-backs for another piece I then found myself cast in, and after that invited to audition for yet another musical I got cast in.  It was like a snowball of invitations that kept leading to the next thing, and I finally started trusting that some benevolent force was nudging me NOT to give up on theatre and not to give up on myself within it!

What I learned from all this is to not spit at an opportunity presented. All of the above roles I’ve been busy with for the past two years were opportunities I’d never have bothered auditioning for, but they fell into my lap because I’d worked with someone previously, or they saw me in something and felt I was right for another thing. I still had to do the work and audition for them, but trusting there was a reason someone invited me helped a lot to keep me out of my own head. 

Arriving finally in 2024 with no prospects on the horizon, I scheduled a long-delayed surgery at the end of January, then did a staged reading I was invited to shortly after that, then ended up working on a capstone project through the University of Washington’s Drama Department, which was a delight in its own way, particularly getting to work with Seattle’s Turkish and international community, which is an intersection of mine I almost never get to participate in. And then I decided to hurl myself at a bunch of general auditions for some of the professional companies in town. 
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SO, I had a "big" audition this past week, that one of the "big" theatres in town invited me to. I had ample time to prepare the side I was forwarded, and proceeded to try and figure out a good intention for the character that wasn't cliche, but that resonated for me enough to do it justice. FINE FINE FINE, I did it all. 

But the lead up was... interesting. I could feel myself getting into my head about it, could feel the fear and distrust creeping in, could feel the BIG SCARY NERVES creeping up on me as I rode the bus to the theatre for the audition. The difference was, I noticed them and instead of being reactive and allowing them to rule me, I noticed them for what they were: fearful  thoughts. That I controlled the narrative inside my head, and though I had no control of whether or not I’ll be cast, I have the ability to corral and manage my thoughts. I can acknowledge them and instead of going down the tempting (only because it’s familiar) downward spiral, I could just...not. 
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I don’t know if I’ll get cast in this “big” show at this “big” theatre. I mean, I’d sure LOVE to! It’s a great play, a paid gig, would mean lots of visibility.  Artistically, the material is SUBLIME and the story speaks to me (which is not always an easy thing to do) pretty deeply. I’d love to dive into its nooks and crannies with both director and ensemble. It would be a dream. And I won’t know for a long time if I’m cast or not, as they stated casting would probably take a few months, and to let them know if conflicts arise. So I’ll need to totally forget about it and move on until such time as I hear about it. 
 
But it’s been a really nice lesson for me in staying calm, trusting the universe is a benevolent place that WANTS me (and YOU!) to pursue and achieve what I came to this life for. For me, it’s healing through story. And though I find a great deal of joy in writing some of these stories, there is no higher feeling of joy for me than embodying them on a stage. Don’t know what these next couple years will bring, and I’m definitely not getting any younger, but I’m so excited at the prospect of the unfolding path!

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