3-Way Heartgasm

​So, it shouldn’t come as a shock that I’m about to begin rehearsals for a new play...it’s actually Beauty & the Beast, Centerstage’s annual holiday panto, to be exact (I play Belle's nutty professor mother). I wouldn’t normally go all the way down to Federal Way to do a show, but I was curious about the form, having seen a panto (Goldilocks & the 3 Bears go to Greece) when we were in Glasgow a couple years ago...comedic, musical, dancy, and definitely (WAY) out of my comfort zone as an actor.
 
Anyway,  We have choreography rehearsals every upcoming weekend for the foreseeable future, and had already been asked to send in our conflicts between mid-October-Dec. I had none...or so I thought.
 
I did a show near and dear to my heart back in March (Deli Dumrul) at the University of Washington (Watch it here) – it was a capstone project for a non-traditional age, graduating senior. The story is a Turkish myth that straddles ancient paganism & Islam in the region, and the whole cast had a hand in developing the script. AND I GOT TO PLAY AZRAEL, THE ANGEL OF DEATH, FFS!!! (I also got to wear a really cool cape - the photos don't do it justice - it moved like BUTTAH) Y’all know I’m a willing SLAVE to anything mythology-related, and also, my Uruguayan, Sephardic Jew grandfather was born in Turkey and emigrated to Uruguay when he was six, so I’m also just a little bit Turkish. Like, while rehearsing this show back in the spring, I had little bits of my own identity revealed to me by my castmates. In particular, certain words or phrases that were definitely NOT Spanish that I’d often hear my Papu exclaim(...ask me how I found out “Papu” is the word for gramps in GREEK! Another weird moment of reclaiming one’s many identities, often erased to live life as a “normal” American), and even sometimes, my Mom! And my castmates would tell me what it meant. Both my Mom & Papu have crossed the rainbow bridge at this point, and these simple things reflected back to me by my castmates, all of whom had just met me, was an unexpected and sweet surprise I cherish. 

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ME as Azrael, the Angel of Death, in UW's capstone production of Deli Dumrul

Anyway. Back to the original point, though really, it all connects: my Deli Dumrul director contacted me a few days ago to ask about the possibility of my acting in the project again for one Sunday night, late in October. My heart dropped, because I’d already turned in my lack of conflicts to my new director. I said I’d ask to see if it was a possibility, but didn’t want to get any hopes up (including my own), as the conflict deadline had already passed, but you know, it never hurts to ask!
 
Well, last night, as my spouse and I were sitting down to dinner, I got a really, sweet, genuine email from new director telling me I could take that entire Sunday off to help remount Deli...my heart felt very happy as I genuinely thanked her, and sent a text to my old director straightaway. I heard back from him only a few minutes later, and his reply was also genuinely grateful...you know how you can just FEEL it, sometimes, if your intuition is pretty well-developed? 
 
I was reflecting upon this small series of interactions, as I was drifting off to sleep (I always seem to receive my best insights in these moments...maybe it’s the THC?) last night. Upon this reflection, it felt like it was this wonderful, 3-person exchange where the first person (my Deli director) had put out an offer, and I, in turn, put the offer out to my panto director...whereupon she accepted the offer and sent me...well, I don’t want to get corny or woo-woo here (but whatever, I’m out of fucks and I’m REALLY REALLY WOOWOO, SO), but it felt like she GOT my authentic love for this piece and this project and she got to grant me the opportunity in a secondary way, so I could pass that along to my Deli director, and it suddenly hit me that it was like a little three-heart-bubble – 3 people who love a form (Theatre) and support others in loving the form, each giving and receiving something and we all got something out of it that went beyond just “Cool, I get to do this play again”. And my panto director maybe isn’t consciously aware that she sent love to my Deli director, and vice-versa, but I could definitely feel this 3-way heartgasm, being the one in the center. I hope my directors felt a little of it too!
 
I like to joke a lot about being a BITTER CRONE who has a cold, dead heart, (haha, and it’s kinda fun to play at that sometimes!), but I’m starting to discover, my heart is not dead and cold...just overprotected, from ancestral, past-life, and present-life trauma, and there’s something soft, rich and abundant in there that may finally be ready to come out. 
 
But also: COOL! I get to do this play again!!!

UW Capstone production - cast of Deli Dumrul, 4/8/24